


Absolution

by EzraTheBlue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sha Gojyo Swears A Lot, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 16:12:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17790593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: Hakkai pushes himself to the breaking point, and Gojyo can't stand the thought of living without him and can't stand by anymore.(Wherein Hakkai gets hurt and a lovelorn Gojyo has to nurse him.)





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lepetiterik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lepetiterik/gifts).



> I felt like writing some dumb love confession fic, so I found a suggestion list on Tumblr. LePetitErik requested three and asked for "and/or" any of the following:
> 
> 4\. “Even if you can never forgive me, you deserve to know the truth. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”  
> 7\. “Why? Because I love you, okay? Because I. Love. You.”  
> 20\. “Shhh. Everything’s okay now, my love. I mean-No. No, that is what I mean.”
> 
> You know how these things go: never give me choices. I'm like a mule, you put two equally sized bales of hay five feet apart in front of me and I'll starve before I can pick one.
> 
> Then, LePetitErik said elsewhere that she wanted some Gojyo taking care of someone, and things fell into place. 
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day! Enjoy!

**Absolution**

“Again?” Gojyo found himself gawping where he sat in the borrowed cot, a shaft of stark moonlight streaking through the tattered curtains, as Hakkai, still barely conscious from his last healing run through the youkai village, stumbled toward the door, still buttoning his tunic into place.

“A few more were brought in.” Hakkai was actually swaying when he stopped and stood still. “Sharak sent someone … she said they needed help.”

“Who cares what she says she needs?” Gojyo stormed to his feet and seized Hakkai by the shoulders. “You’re still wiped from the last time! You were at it all day today!”

“And I’ll likely be there much of the evening.” As if it weren't halfway to morning already! “I’m sorry, but I need to-” Hakkai stepped back, easing out of Gojyo’s grip, but Gojyo snatched his collar.

“Don’t. Just, fucking … stop. Sleep!” Gojyo throttled him. “You don’t have to do this! You ain’t fucking obligated!”

“I just want to help in whatever small way I can.” Hakkai furrowed his brow. “Why do you object so strongly?”

“Why do you wanna go out there and kill yourself healing those nobodies?!” He tightened his grip on Hakkai’s collar. “They don’t mean anything to you, you don’t know them, why are you gonna go and shave off’a your life for them?!”

Hakkai denied Gojyo eye contact, instead turning towards the light coming in the hall. The light caught in the bags under his eyes, and his words came out all the darker for it: “After all the lives I've had to take, I see preserving lives no great burden.”

Gojyo's chest ached, and he threw Hakkai back. “That's bullshit, and you know it!” He drew himself up, glaring, as Hakkai ducked his gaze and made to fix his collar. You think you're gonna get forgiven for old crimes by killing yourself now?!”

“I expect no such thing.”

“Then why the hell are you bothering?! It's your life, you don't owe anything to anyone else!”

Hakkai was silent a moment, still fidgeting with his collar. Then, “Why do you care what I choose to waste my life on, then?”

There was heat in it, and were he any less angry, Gojyo would have figured he was out of line for pushing it, and Hakkai was right to be angry at him. Instead, that just tossed kerosene on the flame. “Ain't I allowed to give a shit?! Or just ‘cause you act like your life don't matter, mine shouldn't mean shit to you either?!”

“Ahaha.” Hakkai shook his head as if he disbelieved his own false laugh, still fixing his cuffs. “I suppose not. I don't see why.”

“Ain't you got anything more to live for?!” Gojyo very nearly strode across the room to throw Hakkai back into the bed, to pin him down and keep him there, but just as he wound up, Hakkai murmured:

“It's my life, you know.”

That pushed Gojyo off the precipice, over the top of the flames of rage straight to ice.  “Fine! Fine. Do what you want, you goddamned martyr.” He threw himself onto the bed and turned toward the wall, ignoring his hair flopping into his face to preserve at least a little speck of dignity. He heard Hakkai shut the door to their cell, then groaned and rolled onto his back.

Despite himself, he still nursed a tiny flame.

“Why? Because I love you.” He pounded his fist on the shitty thin mattress. “Because I. Love. You.”

It was stupid, and he couldn't even pinpoint when his view of Hakkai had changed from “best friend” to “painful crush” to “other half.” Trouble was, actually saying it out loud, owning it, being it, were daunting prospects, hurdles he couldn't clear, and besides, so much else had happened. Between that time when he realized he wanted to be part of Hakkai's “we” they'd watched Goku almost die and he'd had to bring Hakkai back to life himself. Then there was being on the run alone, then that dark Sanzo business, and then the mountain, and then the mark. He'd been putting a brave face on literally everything for what felt like weeks, so having to expose everything behind it didn't sound like his idea of a good time.

After all, what did he expect? Hakkai probably wouldn't laugh at him at least, or outright mock him. He'd probably be pretty polite about it, really. He'd smile and thank him, he'd pat Gojyo's hand and explain what “straight” meant (as in, “I am, and thought you were too”), and tell him there were lots of other fish in the sea. If only he could swim, he mused ruefully, then put his face in his pillow like he could drown in it.

Yeah, best to just keep that to his chest until he didn't have to be brave about literally everything else. It wasn't like it'd get him anywhere but disappointed.

Why should Hakkai care what he thought? Gojyo couldn't own him, couldn't control him, couldn't make him care for himself, couldn't make him care about him. He couldn't make Hakkai get in bed, let alone with him. He couldn't make Hakkai want to stay alive long enough to hear Gojyo admit why he cared so damn much.

“I love you, even if you don't love you,” he muttered into the pillow, and hugged it tight. “I just don't want you to die for someone else before…” He swallowed hard, trying not.to think about it, but the sentiment sounded back in his own head:

_Before I can live for you._

* * *

He slept again, exhausted from the day, but it was fitful and unsettled because his unconscious was muddled with frustration. As such, he was already half-awake when someone came pounding on his door. He opened an eye - it was still dark as hell outside - and tried to roll over and ignore it, when whoever it was knocked again, frantically now. Gojyo groaned and tumbled to his feet, smearing his hair back.

“This better be good.” He threw the door open, only to find one of Sharak's acolytes trembling on the threshold. He immediately knew it wasn't good, not at all.

“Sir,” the acolyte said, voice quavering, but Gojyo hustled past him before he could stammer out his message.

“Just take me to the idiot.”

The acolyte caught up enough to redirect Gojyo to the main sanctuary, and Gojyo could see the telltale glow of qi from across the room and the rows of injured youkai on mats. Hakkai was kneeling over someone, hands extended, and Gojyo could taste his energy as he strode towards hin, he could feel it, and something felt wrong. Two of Sharak's people were flanking him, and Gojyo read their body language as if it were written in neon lights: they were trying to pull him away. Gojyo vaulted two rows and grabbed his hands, wrenching him back, and now he could feel his fingers shaking, see the sweat on his brow and upper lip; his good eye, completely unfocused. When he spoke, it was in fragments and slurred, “Gojyo… I … not ... en … nev…”

“Never enough, huh? It's never gonna be enough!” Gojyo pulled Hakkai to his chest, just as he collapsed into a heap in his arms. “You damn moron, I told you-”

All of a sudden, Hakkai _convulsed_ , like a man possessed, spine and head twisting back, and he cried out in unmistakable pain as his whole body contorted. Gojyo swore and caught him up, trying to keep him upright or hold him still, but Hakkai just struggled against him even harder. Someone near them shouted, “The healer’s having a seizure!” and others dropped what they were doing to run towards them. Gojyo didn’t know medicine from his own asshole, but he knew this was bad.

“No, no, no,” he found himself saying, but Hakkai kept quaking and shaking in his own personal tempest, no matter how Gojyo tried to hold him. “Damn it, stop-!”

“Lay him down,” someone was telling him. “Restraining him will make it worse! Just put him down and give him space.”

Letting go was the last thing Gojyo wanted. No. Scratch that. Hakkai being hurt any worse than he was, that was the last thing Gojyo wanted. He laid Hakkai down on the ground, easing him down. Then, all he could do was watch as Hakkai suffered, unable to do anything.

At least last time, he’d been able to perform CPR. Now, all he could do was hope Hakkai didn’t die. He was, first, angry that Hakkai had driven himself this hard, this far, to put himself to this extreme, but in equal parts, scared that he wouldn’t come back from it and wounded that he hadn’t been enough to keep Hakkai from going this far.

Gojyo watched Hakkai ride out the rest of his seizure in somber silence. The other healers who’d come to observe all seemed to exhale with relief as Hakkai finally stilled, but it gave Gojyo no ease. “He must have just driven himself too hard,” one of the other healers said, though she hesitated before she added. “I’ve heard that things like stress can cause seizures.”

Gojyo grimaced. “Did it to himself? Of course he did.” Hakkai seemed to be unconscious, limp when Gojyo lifted his hand to check. Gojyo took this to mean he could touch Hakkai again, and gathered him into his arms like a ragdoll. He might have been nearly as tall as Gojyo, and only a little lighter, but Gojyo could bear his burden with ease. “I’m taking him out to rest.” He cradled Hakkai in his arms like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold as he pivoted for the door. Nobody stopped them, and Gojyo suspected it was because anyone who looked at him twice would know he would bite the head off of anyone who tried to stop him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he said, though he knew Hakkai wasn’t listening and it wouldn’t, didn’t mean anything, but he needed to hear it anyway. “It’s gonna be okay, I’m gonna take care of you.”

He knew the way back to their cell, and hip-checked the door open while holding Hakkai as tight to his chest as he could without crushing him. He tried not to move him or shake him too much - he’d had enough of that. He laid Hakkai down on his bed and tucked him in, then stood back, trying to think.

Nothing came. He had no idea how to take care of someone like this. Hakkai usually did that part. “Come on,” he told himself, “you’ve done this before.” He’d held Hakkai together before he’d even been Hakkai, and he’d been the one to care for Hakkai and Goku in the hours after the two of them went all fanged and clawed and got to business. Sure, the first one, he’d been under strict doctor’s orders until Hakkai had woken up, and that second one had mostly just been a matter of “get them somewhere safe and hope one of them wakes up to help with the other.” Still, this was important, he had to try.

First, at least let the others know. He found a bit of paper, scrawled a note to Goku, and hustled down to the room he and Sanzo were sharing. He didn’t knock, just shoved it under, and bolted back. Hakkai hadn’t moved in the thirty seconds he’d been away, and Gojyo sighed relief, then sank down to kneel at his bedside. “What can I do, babe?” He slid his hand up onto the bed beside Hakkai, shaking his head. “This’s exactly what I didn’t want. I fucking hate that you do this to yourself.” Hakkai mouthed at the air and shifted in the bed, then threw an arm out and forced a few words out.

“Nn… no … Goj …”

“Shh, shh.” Like guilt tripping him would help right now. “I’m sorry, I just - fuck.” Hakkai was still trying to talk, to say something, and Gojyo’s heart was breaking. He took his hand and squeezed. “It’s alright, love, I - fuck, I mean - No, no, fuck, that’s exactly what I mean.” He groaned and gave Hakkai’s hand another little squeeze. It wasn’t like Hakkai could hear him anyway, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t talk. It was all he really had right now “What can I do, tell me how to help you…”

He tried to look Hakkai in the face again, but when he did, he could see that his eyes and mouth were wet. Gojyo grabbed a few tissues and dabbed at the tears and spit that had come loose in the force of his seizure. Hakkai seemed to try to dodge his touch, because of course he would, he was like an octopus limb severed from the nervous system, reacting to what might have been unpleasant or unwanted contact. Or contact he didn't know he wanted. Gojyo pressed his forehead against Hakkai’s and hushed him softly, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s just me,” and Hakkai stilled to let Gojyo clean him up.

Something came to him: the healer had said stress might have caused this. He’d overworked himself, he’d gone past his limit and overtaxed his body, his spirit. That was the ticket. Gojyo just needed to help him restore a little. He brought Hakkai’s knuckles to his lips and brushed a kiss against dry, weather-roughened skin, then folded his hand down over his chest. “Just you wait, babe. Gonna take real good care of you.” He grabbed the bedside pitcher and filled a cup with some water, then worked himself onto the bed. He eased Hakkai against his chest, then tipped the glass to his lips. “Maybe you’re dehydrated a little? Think you can drink for me?”

Hakkai’s eyes were still unfocused, but he seemed to be conscious, in the slightest sense. Gojyo pushed the cup against his lips, hoping to spark some instinct, silently begging that he’d take the water. Gojyo saw his mouth open just a little, and tipped the water in, then rubbed Hakkai’s throat until he swallowed. “That’s it, that’s it.” He got a few sips of water into Hakkai’s mouth, then set him back down, easy and gentle. He cleaned his mouth again, then propped him up with the pillows from his bed and brought the blankets tight and close around him. Hakkai seemed to be watching him now, though his eyes were dull and his focus lacked intent. Gojyo pulled the lone chair in the room around to his side so he could sit close and be in his view. “How ya feelin’? Can ya talk yet?” Hakkai had turned his head a little, indicating he’d listened, but he didn’t nod or make an attempt to talk. That answered Gojyo’s question enough. “Are ya hot? Cold?” He touched Hakkai’s forehead with the back of his hand, and found his skin clammy, warm and damp with sweat. He took his bandanna off of the bedside table and dunked it in the pitcher, wrung it out into the trash can then put it on Hakkai’s forehead. “You want me to take the covers down a little?” He folded down the top of the quilt. “Anything you need, I’m right here.”

Hakkai didn’t speak, but he bowed his head and closed his eyes. He mouthed senseless words, nonsense noises, but leaned towards Gojyo. Gojyo caught him, heart thudding in his chest like a bass drum, and held him there. To Gojyo’s surprise, Hakkai limply flung both arms around his neck. Gojyo started for a second, then remembered that Hakkai was basically severed from conscious thought, and now that he had realized he was in a safe place, of course he would want some grounding contact. Gojyo could do that. He embraced Hakkai right back and stroked his back and hair, shushing him like his brother used to when he was feeling rotten, then scooted onto the bed so he could hold Hakkai a little closer.

“You’re gonna be okay, babe. I’m right here with you.” He rocked him against his chest, wishing it could be enough to help him. Enough to be worth sticking around for. “Love you, beautiful. Stay with me, I’ll stay with you.”

If it was a sin to enjoy this moment, then he hoped hell had cable and that he'd get to remember it.

He held Hakkai there, rubbing his back and talking to him, until the exhaustion of the sleepless night caught up with him and dragged him under.

* * *

The sun was wan, its light pale like tea with cream where it streaked across Gojyo’s face when he woke. The curtains were mostly closed, though Gojyo had sworn there had been moonlight the night before. He found himself sat against the headboard of Hakkai’s bed, and no Hakkai.

No Hakkai. Gone again.

Gojyo made to scramble to his feet - he couldn’t be off healing again, not yet, Gojyo wasn’t going to watch him break down again! - but slipped and tumbled off the bed, crashing unceremoniously to the floor with his legs tangled in the quilt. There was a gasp from nearby, and as Gojyo twisted to face the ceiling, Hakkai was over him, looking pale and tired, but not dead. “Oh, Gojyo, are you alright?”

“You can talk again.” Gojyo wheezed with relief. “Thank fuck.” Hakkai, too, looked relieved, then took a knee to steady himself so he could help Gojyo to his feet.

“Sorry to frighten you, I was just telling Goku I was alright after he read your note. Now, do hold still.” Gojyo obeyed, letting Hakkai tilt his head by moving his chin from side to side, up and down, clinical but gentle. “I don’t feel any twitches in your neck, and you’re swearing, so I suppose you can’t be too badly off.” Hakkai smiled wryly as he dusted Gojyo’s shoulders and back. “I suppose the next test is to ask if you’d like a cigarette.”

“Hell no. Not ‘til I’m sure you’re okay.” Gojyo turned the tables in a flash, taking Hakkai by the shoulders and pushing him up onto the bed. Gojyo held him fast and looked in both of his eyes, then felt his forehead, as Hakkai protested:

“I’m quite fine now, I promise. Yesterday was a fluke-”

“A fluke that happened after you ran your own ass into the ground healing.” Hakkai flinched and snapped his jaw shut as Gojyo stood up again. “I told you, man, you were already overdoing it when they asked you to come do more.”

Hakkai was silent, then hung his head. “Yes … yes, I know.”

Then, Gojyo remembered the last actual conversation he’d had with Hakkai and lowered his hands. “Hey … look, man, when I said all that shit, I was only worried. I really didn’t mean-”

“I know that, too.” To Gojyo’s surprise, Hakkai took his hand and squeezed it. “You were concerned for my well-being and I was being stubborn. I suppose … I suppose I wanted to show you I could do more. That I was strong enough.” Gojyo was struck silent as Hakkai ran his thumb over Gojyo’s knuckles. “And that I was good enough. There’s some part of me that thinks … if I can save more lives than I took, I can be forgiven.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s irrational, at the least.” Hakkai smiled sheepishly. “I know I-”

“You’ve already been forgiven, okay? By everyone who matters, anyway.” Gojyo heaved a sigh. “I’m the one who needs to earn some forgiveness here, okay? Look, I dunno how much you remember of last night, but you had a seizure, and I was an asshole to you right before that, so...”

“I do recall, yes.” Hakkai glanced away, and Gojyo could swear he looked embarrassed. “I … er … I remember that. I remember other things, too. I remember you came to rescue me, and you nursed me through the recovery hour until you fell asleep.” Gojyo’s mouth went dry as Hakkai looked him straight on. “I may not have been able to speak, but I could hear quite acutely.”

“Oh.” The bottom fell out of Gojyo’s stomach, and he braced himself. Shit. As if last night wasn’t bad enough, Gojyo’s terrors were about to come home to roost. “Well. Uh. Guess … guess you heard somethin’ interesting, then. I, uh, sure do talk a lot of shit when I’m scared to death.”

Hakkai’s eyes crinkled at the edges with withheld laughter, and he held Gojyo’s hand a little tighter. “That’s one way to put it, I suppose.”

Gojyo wasn’t ready and he knew it, but here he was anyway. He braced himself. “So, uh, you heard me …”

“I did.”

Wasn’t that just Hakkai, blunt and direct when it counted. “Great.” He inhaled, and decided to remove any ambiguity from the situation: “Well, it ain’t like I lied. Fuck it. I’m in love with you, and I know you probably didn’t want to hear that, especially after how I treated you last night, but it’s true.” He shook his head and tried to pull his hands back. “Even if you can never forgive me for how I acted, you deserve to know the truth. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t wanna lose you.”

“How you treated me last night,” Hakkai repeated, and sighed. “Honestly, Gojyo.” He pulled Gojyo’s hand to draw him closer. “You treated me with concern for my well-being and terror over how poorly I treated myself. Then, despite bringing my own fate on my head, you treated me with love and care. You always do. Looking back, I think you always have, even when your words aren’t as tender as your kinder actions. I rather adore that about you.” Hakkai brought Gojyo’s hand to his mouth and Gojyo swore his heart stopped when he kissed his fingers. “I’ll absolve all of your sins if you can make me a promise.” Gojyo’s mouth was too dry to speak, but he managed a sharp nod. Hakkai smiled with genuine affection. “Stop me when I go too far. Perhaps I want to save lives, but I can’t haphazardly put myself in danger for the sake of others I don’t know when my beloved would rather see me alive and healthy.” He clasped both hands around Gojyo’s. “You mean that much to me, and I regret not making that sentiment clearer before now.”

Gojyo’s heart stopped, and his knees went weak. “Be… beloved?”

Hakkai’s grip loosened and his eyes went wide. “Is that too much? Would you prefer to be called my lover? Boyfriend? That … that is what you meant, yes?”

“Yeah, of course.” Gojyo was breathless, and he sank to his knees and threw his arms around Hakkai’s chest. “Fuck, babe, I’ll never let you hurt yourself again.”

“Do your best, of course. I’m incorrigible.” Hakkai stroked Gojyo’s hair. “Besides, despite the event itself being most unpleasant, waking up to find you nursing me will remain something of a guilty pleasure.”

Guilty pleasure? Gojyo grinned, then stood up. “Ain’t gotta be guilty. You get back in that bed, and I’ll take care of you without you kicking your own ass so hard you need it.”

Maybe someday, Gojyo thought, there would be absolutely no chance that Hakkai would need to be nursed back to health from something nearly taking his life. The worst he’d have to worry about would be the flu. However, until then, if Hakkai needed some TLC, whether or not he was hurt or if he just needed the affection, Gojyo intended to give it. “Let me care for you a little more. I like loving on you, and you seem to like being spoiled.”

It was their lives, after all. They deserved to enjoy them, the lows and highs, together.

**Author's Note:**

> As an aside: "Sha Gojyo Swears A Lot" needs to be an official tag.


End file.
